i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
