I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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