You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
