I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
