So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
