I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
