Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
