I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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