After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
