apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I understand Curling. That high.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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