he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
