the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
