were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
