aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
