singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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