Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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