(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
