I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
