Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
