We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
