Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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