Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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