Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
