I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I could make wine with my vomit
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
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I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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