Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
