awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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