Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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