Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
