i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
