mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
