It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
