Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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