Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
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We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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