I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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