she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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