ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
