Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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