Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
