need another drink. this is the easiest way
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
