i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
