i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
