i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
