Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
