i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
