I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
