and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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