I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
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i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
there is glitter all over my balls
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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