I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
