I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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