when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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