I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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