update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
