phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
