Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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