First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
