dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
