I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
