Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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