Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
