im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hippo gnu deer
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wear drunk well.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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