She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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