i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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